How to turn on your female computer.

Your computer is never comfortable performing for you without a good
support system. The computer must have excellent relationships, feel
completely connected to her higher power, and have various friends and
companions. One sad relationship can cause your computer to give you the
cold shoulder and keep her from turning on. A computer who has all of
her needs met will have the most success becoming turned on.
Let's assume that your computer's Psyche is intact, she is not suffering
from Alzheimer's disease, has not contracted any arterial weaknesses,
and that she has no other ailments which will cause her to display
erratic nor distressed behavior.
First one must insure that the life line connecting the computer to its
higher power completely penetrates both wall and computer deeply. Then
one must verify the remaining life lines assuring each is correctly
thrust into its proper hole.
Once you have confirmed your computer is well connected and maintains
the necessary relationships, you will notice a little button in the
front and you may notice a flipper on its rear. Turning on your computer
requires dexterity, stamina, and a wicked finger. If one has correctly
positioned the flipper and diddles with the button long enough and with
enough pressure, it will cause sparks to fly in her digital brain.
Sparks in your computers brain makes her very happy and causes her to
purr. This purr is usually followed by heavy breathing from at least one
end of the computer. As the computer becomes happier, its breath becomes
warmer. I digress.
It is at this point one must assure a complete connection and flow of
honest and open communication to all of your computers companions. Many
of these also has either a flipper or a button that must be positioned
properly in order for communication to occur.
Within seconds of all of your computers needs being met you will notice
that your computer is on. It is at that moment you realize your computer
is turned on.